I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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