oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
