you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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