How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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