I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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