I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
