if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I party with great urgency now.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
