Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
