My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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