she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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