fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
