I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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