Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
