I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
