i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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