I wish my penis had an off switch
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
