My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
