Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
