I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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