You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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