just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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