Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
That was before I lit my hair on fire
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
