In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
