we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
