Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
