Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize