Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
