6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
