that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
