remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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