Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
