Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
