there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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