Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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