Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
