she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
