no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
