We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
