Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
