i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
