where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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