toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Michael Bay diarrhea
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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