note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
