my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
