remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
