p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
