my shit smells like andre
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
