I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Randomize
