My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
