Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
i now understand why vodka
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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