I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
