I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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