I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
