I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
