He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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