the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I love you.
Bad choice
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