My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
