I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
