And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
