I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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