he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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