Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
