I'm so fucking centered right now
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
