God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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