I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
